Freya Lilly Priestley
My name is Nicola, I am 31 years old and have been with my partner Stephen for nearly 7 years. I first met Stephen in February 1999 and fell totally in love. It was nothing like any other previous relationship and I realised quite quickly that I wanted us to have a family together and how perfect it would be to become a mommy and daddy one day. I won't lie and say that all I have ever wanted was to have babies because it certainly wasn't! I was much more into having fun and working towards my career as a nurse to worry about children.
In July 2001 I decided to do my degree to become a midwife and by this time, I had had more than a few broody moment but we decided to wait till the 'time was perfect'. How stupid that all seems now. During my midwifery training, I found the desire for a baby was becoming overwhelming and I longed for a child of our own. Stephen took a little while to convince but we decided that although I may have to put my training on hold if I got pregnant, we started our mission!
At first it was fantastic, we felt closer than ever before and each month I thought this is the one. After approximately 6 months of repeated hopes, negative tests and lots of tears (we even tried that old cliché of a holiday!!!) we went to see the GP as annoyingly, my cycles had suddenly become erratic and I had no idea when the right time was. It was turning into a nightmare already and the longing for that precious baby just got stronger. I think at this stage, Stephen started to really appreciate this desire and feel it himself too.
My GP referred us to the gynaecology unit and we had our appointment in September 2002. I was so excited and remember feeling like our dreams were soon going to be reality as I never ever in a million years expected to have any problems really. It was just taking time wasn't it??!!! I had the blood tests, the scans and everything was fine, each time it was just a relief that they hadn't found anything wrong. Stephen then had his 1st sperm count and on the 16th December - I remember this day so well - all our hopes fall apart. He had a severely low sperm count and very poor motility. We were told our only hopes of having a baby were to have IVF/ICSI and the NHS waiting list would be approx. 3 years for this. The next few weeks passed in a blur. I have never felt pain and despair like it and I watched as Stephen blamed himself repeatedly and tore himself apart.
As the New Year arrived, I qualified as a midwife. It was then when I found this website and realised that it wasn't just me going through all this after all.
We had a few appointments with the assisted conception unit as we decided to pay privately for our treatment. I had the usual injection training and things got very exciting. We were on our way, we were 'guaranteed' a baby at last (or so we thought) We started our 1st cycle of ICSI in March 2003, I was convinced I would be pregnant soon. I got used to the daily injections, scans and blood test. I had a mild dose of OHSS and felt pretty rough, I found egg collection more painful than I had ever imagined and then when out of 12 eggs, only 4 fertilised, 2 being any good, I then realised for the first time when infertility was all about - the emotional pain!!! I had the 2 good embryo's replaced and went crazy in the 2ww. This cycle resulted in a positive pregnancy test at long last, I couldn't believe our luck. 1st time lucky and I was pregnant! I experienced precisely one week of pregnancy until a repeat HCG test showed my levels had dropped and 3 days later I had an early miscarriage. To say we were destroyed was an understatement. I cannot even begin to describe what this did to us but thankfully as a couple we became stronger together. Stephen was my only strength throughout this and despite him grieving too; he was a rock I would not have survived without him.
We took 4 months out to try and come to terms with this, had a holiday and came back ready to tackle it all again. As we were about to start in the July, they discovered I had a 6 cm cyst on my ovary so my 2nd cycle was cancelled before it even started. We finally started the following month but I was never positive, I just knew right from the start it wouldn't work and guess what... it didn't! No-one could tell me why and it was just 'one of those things'. From this point I steadily went down in mood and I just had no strength to carry on. We changed clinics to one with better success rates and could offer us more so in December 2003, I started down regulating for my 3rd cycle. I was convinced this was the one. 3rd time lucky and all that The new clinic gave us renewed hope and I was excited once more. This cycle was by far the worst emotionally, I struggled from the beginning but my positive thoughts never left me. I got 18 eggs retrieved, Stephens’s sperm count had improved, we got a fantastic fertilisation rate this time and we were over the moon. Surely nothing could go wrong. Well it did, and I got my 3rd negative result in February. Words cannot describe how this felt and I realised I needed some help. I started on anti-depressants and within a few weeks I felt the old me return for the 1st time in over 2 years. Suddenly my life did not revolve around IVF and I enjoyed life again.
I wish I could stay feeling like this but no amount of tablets will ever take the longing and desire for a baby of my own away and until I hold my baby in my arms, I will never feel truly complete. Luckily my 3rd cycle also gave us 5 precious frozen embryos, so in April 2004, we had 2 frozen embryos transferred, they were both of a good quality but once again that cycle also failed and we were left to deal with yet another big fat negative! I went back on the anti-depressants and really started to loose all hope of it ever working for us.
Once again we decided to take the summer off from treatment and had some quality time together, over this next 6 months, we made a very difficult decision to do things differently. First of all we decided to do the egg share programme as money was in short supply after all we had already paid out, so I had all the relevant tests and was accepted onto that and waited for a suitable recipient. The second thing we decided to do was to use donor sperm.
This was the most agonising decision we had ever made but we agreed that it would be no different to it being Stephens baby if we were to get pregnant. I was not sure about it for a long time but Stephen was completely at ease with it. I realised what a fantastic partner I had if he was prepared to do this for us.
We spent weeks looking at the lists of donors to find a good match, but due to the changes in law regarding anoniminity, there were hardly any donors at all so we decided to use the donor sperm we already had saved from our 3rd cycle. (The consultant had advised us to have a back up of donor sperm in case Stephens sperm was not good on the day)
I was soon matched up with a recipient and in October 2004, we started the process once more. The usual down regulations, followed by stimulations but this time I also had Clexane, acupuncture and reflexology treatment. It soon became obvious that although I had some good sized follicles, I hadn’t produced as many as in all other cycles. I was really disappointed as this was the one time I needed more eggs so I could share and us both get a good amount. I had egg collection on the 15th of November 2004 and only 8 eggs were collected, so we ended up with just the 4. As I sat in the recovery room, the embryologist came in to say that there had been a problem with the 1st vial of donor sperm and it had not defrosted well, but not to worry as it was very unlikely the 2nd would be poor. An hour or so passed and she returned to say that unfortunately the 2nd vial was also poor and the only option would be to have ICSI rather than straightforward IVF. We were devastated, we could have had ICSI with Stephens sperm and we then felt that this cycle was doomed. The other option was for Stephen to produce a sample to see what that was like and to use his instead, so off he went and the result was that the count was his worst yet but it would be OK to have ICSI, however only 3 of the 4 eggs were suitable for ICSI so again, we were faced with a dilemma.
The plan ended up being that all 3 eggs would be injected with Stephens sperm but in the event of not having enough embryos for transfer, we could have our remaining frozen embryos defrosted and transferred. So after an agonising nights wait to hear the news, we found out that all 3 had fertilised. 100% fertilisation!!!! We had never had that before and it couldn’t have come at a better time. The following day, I had my acupuncture then off we went to the clinic for transfer. We had 2 x grade 2 embryos, 4 and 5 cells. Not as good quality we had had previously but not bad. The dreaded 2 week wait began (well 9 day wait to be precise) and all I did was rest the whole way through. I had no symptoms of anything during this time, but a few days before the official test day, I felt a strange sense of calm. Not like I had ever been before. I was usually a wreck by this time!
It was a Friday morning, the 25th of November and it was test day. Off we went to the clinic, I had my blood taken and while we waited for the results, we nipped to Sainsburys for a pee stick. I had already got a pot of urine ready so we got back in the car and dipped the stick in. After a minute, there was just the 1 line and our hearts sank. I threw it down but for some reason I didn’t cry. I picked it back up and looked again and there was the most faintest of 2nd lines!!!! I could not believe it. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Surely it must be wrong. We dashed back to the clinic and sat waiting, then the nurse appeared with a piece of paper and gave it me..
it showed I had a HCG level of 17. It was an official positive!!! We were in complete shock but also very nervous too as we had got to this stage before. Over that weekend, we told people it was positive but I never said ''I am pregnant ''I just couldn’t say the words.
We were to return to the clinic on Monday for a repeat test where they expected the levels to be around 60. They were 48. We were gutted as although it had risen, it wasn’t as high. I had a further test on the Wednesday and the levels had gone up to 125. They were in range and we were so delighted. Over those next few weeks, I continued to have my HCG monitored and it did keep rising but not as high as they would have liked. I was convinced that my scan would show nothing. When I was 6 weeks and 2 days, I could wait no longer so I called the clinic and they said I could have my scan brought forward but it was unlikely I would see a heartbeat as it was too early. I have never been so scared in my whole life as I lie on the bed for the scan. I just stared at the ceiling while Stephen held my hand. The nurse said well there is the sac, there is the yolk..... and there is a heartbeat! Oh my god, all 3 of us burst into tears and just could not stop smiling. This was what I had waited for from 5 cycles of treatment.
It was amazing. I clutched my photo with a huge beam on my face for weeks. A 2nd scan a week later showed the baby had grown and I was discharged from CARE into the big wide world of maternity care.
My pregnancy was straight forward, I was ill with the usual ailments of pregnancy and I don’t think at any point I really relaxed about the baby as I was sure that something was going to go wrong. We didn’t find out the sex on my 20 week scan, we wanted a surprise. but I did secretly hope I would have a girl. I loved having a bump and the baby movements were just fantastic. I cannot describe how wonderful that part was. Me and Stephen decided to get married in May 2005 as I wanted our family to be complete and us all to share the same name. I was 28 weeks pregnant when we got wed and it was lovely to know that our baby was also with us on our special day.
My due date of the 8th of August came and went and I was so scared, nervous, excited and very, very impatient. I just wanted to finally meet this baby and I was beginning to be fed up of being pregnant as I was really uncomfy. On the 11th of August, I went into labour and at 5.35am on the 12th of August, I gave birth naturally to a beautiful baby girl called Freya Lilly, weighing 7lb 1 and a half oz. I have never felt anything like it before, the experience was truly amazing and although it was so very painful, I enjoyed every minute and would love to re-live it all again. (My full birth story is here if you would like a read -
http://www.may-b-baby.co.uk/bbv2/bbBoard.cgi?a=viewthread;fid=69;gtid=79328
As I write this, my baby girl is now 13 weeks old and is getting more beautiful by the day. I am completely in love with her and some days I still cannot believe she is ours. Sometimes when she is asleep, I just want to wake her up and give her loads of kisses and cuddles as I miss touching her, even after a few hours. I am however suffering from postnatal depression and am back on the good old anti-depressants. I knew deep down I would end up with this due to my previous depression and IVF treatment, but the guilt I feel is immense as I cannot get my head around the fact that my dream has come true finally but I am really low. It took a while to admit this to myself and to others and I just hope that in time, with medication and the support from everyone this awful illness will be under control.
I feel we have experienced many, many bad things over the last couple of years but I also feel that despite our infertility, three good thing have been a result of it. Obviously we are now very proud parents of Freya and due to the long wait we had, she is extra special to us and all our family and friends. My relationship with Stephen has become stronger than ever and we feel we are able tackle anything as a couple, but also the friendships I have gained due to this wonderful site are amazing and I know they will last forever.
I wish everyone all the luck in the world with your journeys and I truly hope we will all be successful one day soon!