Francesca born 30th of September at 11.22 pm and she weighed 8lbs 13 oz.
Ever since I can remember I have always’ wanted to become a Mother.
I used to love spending time with my Sister’s babies and I couldn’t wait to become a Mother myself, that was my biggest goal in life.
Little did I know that my goal would be way out of my reach for many years to come.
.
My Husband Francis and I knew straight away that we wanted to have a baby together and we decided to try for a baby very early into our relationship.
I came off the pill and decided to let nature take its course and I was pretty relaxed about the whole thing.
It never entered my mind that trying to conceive would be so difficult and assumed I would get pregnant fairly quickly.
A month after stopping the pill my period didn’t arrive but I just assumed my body was trying to adjust back to normal and I just had to be patient.
Much to my surprise my period arrived the next month and I was feeling really positive that my body was almost back to normal and that I would become pregnant in the very near future.
I continued to get periods for the next couple of months and then suddenly out of the blue they vanished and I began to notice some changes in myself physically and emotionally.
I noticed that my appearance began to look different, my stomach became bloated and I began to experience cramping in my lower abdomen.
I began to suffer with bad lower back pain and pains in my Ovaries, which I had never experienced before.
I began to feel extremely tired and I found it hard to make it through the day at work.
I felt like I had no energy at all and I was beginning to lose my lack of concentration and my work began to suffer.
I just felt really under the weather and I didn’t have a clue what could be causing me to feel this way.
Gradually as the weeks went by my mood became very erratic and I was very tearful one minute and happy the next.
I searched on the Internet and many of my symptoms pointed straight to pregnancy so I became really hopeful and couldn’t believe that I could have become pregnant so quickly.
I decided that it was time to take a pregnancy test and deep down I felt positive and I had a strong feeling inside that I would see 2 blue lines on the test and I would have a baby on the way.
I remember taking the test and I was bursting with excitement and anxiety at the same time, my hands were literally shaking with nerves.
When the test time was complete I looked down at the test to see only one blue line in the box, I just sat there in total shock and disbelief, I couldn’t believe it.
I just burst into tears because I had got my hopes up only for them to be shattered.
Days went by and the symptoms got worse and I became more and more confused about what was wrong with me.
People at work began gossiping about me because I had a bump appearing and they all assumed I was pregnant.
Some people even asked if I was expecting and they didn’t believe me when I said I wasn’t, they just assumed I had to be because I was so skinny before.
I decided that enough was enough and I had to make an appointment to see a Doctor to get to the bottom of it for my sake, Francis’s and to stop the office gossips.
I saw my Doctor and the first thing she asked me was whether I could be pregnant and I explained I had many symptoms of pregnancy but I had done many tests but they were all negative.
The Doctor examined my abdomen and said she could feel a swelling on my left side and because I was having a lot of pain in that area she wanted to do a urine sample to definitely rule out pregnancy just encase it was an Ectopic.
I told her that it was a waste of time because it wouldn’t be positive and I was right so we were back to square one.
Well there wasn’t much more she could do and she sent me away and told me to wait for my period, I felt so frustrated because nobody was taking me serious or listening to me.
As time went by I began to feel worse and worse and people at work were commenting that I looked ill and as white as a ghost, I literally felt drained.
I then began to suffer with very bad headaches at night and hardly got any sleep so both me and Francis agreed that I wasn’t well enough to work and I handed in my notice.
I felt a lot better about giving up work because I just didn’t feel well enough or have the energy to give my job 100% and I was struggling to keep up and it was pretty stressful at times
As months went by and I made numerous trips back and forth to my Doctor’s explaining that my period still hadn’t arrived and I couldn’t take anymore, I needed to know what was wrong with me.
I made an appointment with a different Doctor and we discussed my symptoms and he said there was a possibility I could have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)
Francis and myself were confused as we never heard of it before and the more the Doctor explained it all the more horrendous the condition sounded.
I was sent for an abdominal ultrasound scan to confirm whether I had the condition or not and it was a complete and utter nightmare.
The Doctor who scanned me caused me a lot pain because he was being to rough all the way through the scan.
He just sat there in silence all the way through and I didn’t have a clue what he was looking at on the screen.
Afterwards he told me to empty my bladder and gave me a letter to give to my Doctor, he didn’t even tell me what he had found.
When I got into the car I opened the letter and I burst into tears when I read I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I also had a Retroverted Uterus which I didn’t have a clue about.
I cried all the way home because my worse nightmare had been confirmed and I was scared what the future had in store.
Francis was so angry at the way I had been treated by the Doctor who scanned me and he called him when we got home.
The Doctor wouldn’t speak to Francis and said he would only talk to me and he told me the reason why he never spoke during the scan was because Francis was in the room.
I said to the Doctor he was my Fiancé and I had nothing to hide from him, I wouldn’t have invited him in with me if I did.
The Doctor said he was not willing to take the risk of me suing him for saying something I didn’t want Francis to know about.
He then explained what he had found on the scan and told me that I was more than likely infertile, I felt sick to my stomach.
I could of handled the fact I had PCOS and it caused some nasty symptoms but knowing that I may never have kids naturally really hit me like a ton of bricks.
I read so many sad and heartbreaking stories about women who suffered from infertility, women who struggled so hard to have a child.
You never ever think for one minute it will happen to you and when you are told you are infertile it rips your world apart.
I became really depressed shortly after I was diagnosed and I basically couldn’t cope with the fact that there wasn’t any cure for PCOS and that this condition was going to take over my body and my life.
I think being told I was infertile affected me a great deal more because I wanted to have a family more than anything in the world and that had now been taken away from me.
My relationship with Francis began to suffer as the months went by, my mood swings were frightening and I had no control over them.
I used to take everything out on Francis because I had no one else to blame; I literally hated myself in a number of ways.
The changes in my body got worse, I started to put on weight rapidly and I noticed that fine blonde hair was growing on parts of my body where women don’t normally have hair.
I felt unfeminine and I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror, I felt like I was an unfeminine, hairy, useless infertile freak.
What really scared me was when my really thick hair started to fall out, I was so terrified that I was going to go bald.
I couldn’t even see why Francis wanted to be with me but no matter what he stuck by me, he supported me every step of the way and was determined to help me get better.
Even though I had Francis I felt so alone and I didn’t have any one to talk to, I was only 21 years old and I felt like my life was ending before it had begun.
Francis decided that if the NHS weren’t going to help us then we would have to seek private help so we paid for a consultation to see a Gynaecologist.
I was told they would take some blood tests but they would be expensive to pay for in one go, so she said she would see me on the NHS instead.
I had to wait a further 4 months to see her and the blood tests confirmed what we already knew, I had PCOS.
I was then told I needed a Hysteroscopy but the waiting time for that was a year so I felt like I wasn’t moving any further forwards.
Eventually the Hysteroscopy date arrived and I was so nervous and anxious about the procedure because they didn’t even tell me what was going to happen and how much pain I would experience.
The Doctor called me into the scanning room and I had an internal scan, he was so rough with me and I had tears in my eyes and was gripping onto the couch.
The Doctor kept throwing sarcastic comments at me and asked why I was worried about having PCOS, I explained I wanted it treated as soon as possible because I didn’t want to become grossly overweight and hairy.
He replied back that he had seen worse cases then myself and I said that is exactly my point, I don’t want to end up like other women, I want to control and prevent it from getting that severe.
I also explained I wanted children and he said nastily that I had plenty of life left in me yet, I could have punched him there and then because he was making me so angry.
After the scan he ripped off some paper towel, threw it in between my legs and said clean yourself, he was an ignorant pig.
To make things a lot worse he then told me I didn’t need the Hysteroscopy after all and that I could be put on a drug called Metformin.
I was fuming by now because I had wasted a whole year of my life waiting for the Hysteroscopy and then they tell me I didn’t need it done in the first place.
I could have been put on the Metformin ages ago and have made some progress by now, and tried to get on with my life.
I was then told to go and collect my prescription and to basically get on with it, Francis and me left that room like we were going to explode with anger.
The night didn’t end any better because the hospital had no prescription pads and I was told I had to go and collect it from an antenatal clinic the next day.
That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, I was made to wait an hour and I had to sit in a room full of heavily pregnant women and little children.
I was fighting back the tears because those women didn’t know how lucky they were and worse still just how I was struggling to be in their position.
I just wanted to get out of there and go home, I couldn’t bear to look at their happy faces and watch their excitement because my heart felt like it was breaking it two.
I was finally given the prescription and was told I would have a follow up in 3 months time to see how I had progressed.
Well to my utter shock I got a period after being on the Metformin for only 26 days, I was over the moon.
The 3 months went by and I was still getting periods even though they were irregular but that was better than nothing.
I began to feel more positive about my life now that I was on the Metformin, I felt like I was actually doing something to help myself.
After the 3 months I had my follow up and was basically told that because I had periods again they were going to discharge me for good.
They told me to try to get pregnant naturally and they refused to take a blood test to see if I was ovulating or not.
I felt like they wanted to get rid of me and it was now down to me to deal with, I felt really let down again
Francis was so angry and fed up with the care I had been receiving on the NHS and said that we should start looking into private fertility clinics so we can try for a baby.
Well the Metformin was doing its job because in the middle of March 2001 I began to notice some changes in my body I began to feel very tired, I was urinating more, I had tender breasts and I was cramping.
I decided not to get too excited and decided not to do a pregnancy test straight away because I knew how it effected me the last time I did one and it was negative.
As the days went on the symptoms were still there and my period hadn’t arrived so I caved in and did a pregnancy test.
To my total shock I saw a very faint blue line, I thought I was seeing things or it was a dream.
I began to get really excited and I re-tested a few days later hoping to see a dark blue line but it was still faint.
I knew deep down that it didn’t look very positive but I assumed it may have still been early and held on to a tiny bit of hope.
A few days later I woke up and my breasts were different and I felt normal, I knew this was wasn’t a good sign so I did another test.
This time the result was negative, I felt so heartbroken and I cried for days on end.
My period still hadn’t arrived but then a few days later I woke with the worst pain ever and I began bleeding heavily, it was over.
I was very down for a while but Francis kept me going with his positive attitude by saying at least I can get pregnant and that we had made a lot of progress.
I knew Francis was right deep down and even though I was hurting a lot I decided I had to be more positive so I decided to contact a local Fertility clinic in August 2001and I made an appointment to have a consultation.
I felt very nervous about going to the Fertility clinic but everyone there made us feel welcome and we relaxed straight away.
I was also pleased to know Francis had to produce a Sperm sample for analysis so at least we would know if he was ok in the down stairs department.
The consultation went a lot smoother than I first thought and after talking through various options we decided we wanted to give IVF a try.
I was told I had to have a Hysterosalpingogram x-ray before undergoing any procedures, as they wanted to check to see how my Uterus and tubes looked.
Sadly I had my x-ray done on September the 11th and what made it worse was I was having it done the exact moment the tragedy struck.
My tests results came back 2 days later and I was told everything looked normal which was great and I was very relieved.
We could now begin our first IVF cycle and we both had a mixture of emotions as we didn’t know what to expect and it was pretty scary and daunting.
Luckily once the cycle was underway we felt more at ease, Francis did all my injections for me every morning, which was great because he felt more, involved and more of a part of it.
I did suffer with a few side effects from the drugs, I felt tired, nauseous and I suffered from really bad headaches and nasty hot flushes.
As the follicles started to grow I began getting sharp cramps and my stomach bloated out like a football, and that wasn’t very comfortable.
But despite all of the symptoms I knew it would all be worth it because I could become pregnant very soon.
Unfortunately for me my IVF cycle didn’t go to plan because I wasn’t responding very well because of my PCOS.
The clinic put me on low dose of stimulation drugs to prevent me producing too many follicles and I responded worse than they thought I would.
Every scan was upsetting for me because even though I had about 10 follicles they didn’t seem to grow even when my dosage of stims was increased.
It really began to get me down because I didn’t expect to have many set backs, I felt pretty let down and I felt like a failure.
During my cycle I had met Deanne and Clare on an IVF chat room and the support they gave me was amazing and they helped to make things a little easier for me.
I was so glad I found them because they were having IVF and we all knew what each other was going through and we all wanted to become Mummy’s so much.
Sadly my IVF cycle had to be cancelled because only 2 of my follicles grew big enough to use and they didn’t want to go ahead with egg collection just encase the Embryo’s didn’t make it.
We agreed it was for the best even though we were all disappointed, we would have wasted over £3000 for nothing and that wasn’t a risk we were willing to take.
But thankfully on my clinics advice they recommended I convert to an IUI so that my 2 good follicles weren’t wasted.
I did feel very let down and very upset that I had got that far and was cancelled but I was glad I had one last option left and it was better than going away with nothing.
The IUI went really well and I found myself in my first two week wait, it felt like eternity and I was analysing every twinge and symptom I had, I was turning into an obsessed women before my eyes.
I was also very thankful to have Clare and Deanne’s support through the two-week wait, if I didn’t have them I think I would have pulled my hair out.
When it came to my beta day I was so scared and I was literally shaking, it was a very nerve wracking experience.
I think waiting for the call back from the clinic was sheer hell and the worst thing out of the two-week wait.
The clinic confirmed I was pregnant but unfortunately my beta number was very low and I had to retest in 2 days.
That wait was hell but the beta confirmed that things weren’t going to plan, my beta number had dropped and I would yet again lose the pregnancy.
I really didn’t expect this to happen for a second time and I was heartbroken and didn’t handle it very well.
I decided I had to take a break and grieve it was all becoming too much for me and extremely stressful.
Me and Francis didn’t want to give up despite the bad luck we had and we decided to have another attempt at IUI in January 2002, this time we only got one follicle and I felt really disappointed but everyone kept telling me it only takes one egg after all.
Sadly that egg wasn’t meant to be and the cycle wasn’t a success, this time I handled it slightly better.
We decided to have a few months break as we were planning our wedding and we didn’t have much time spare for treatment or any spare money.
Before we got married in May I asked the clinic if I could try a few cycles of Clomid and they agreed and would you believe my period arrived a day before my wedding so I actually started the Clomid on my wedding day.
With the first cycle I was amazed to see I had 4 follicles, me and Francis both felt optimistic about the cycle and we were hoping for an extra special wedding present.
Well like before I became pregnant but like before my beta numbers started off low and began to drop until I was no longer pregnant.
I was now at my wits end and very confused to why I could get pregnant but not sustain it, I was finding this really unbearable.
I really didn’t think I could continue any more because not only was my heart being ripped to shreds but the Clomid made me really depressed and I couldn’t bare it.
Some how I managed to find the strength and I had a second attempt with the Clomid in June 2002, this time I only got one follicle and the cycle wasn’t a success.
I felt like I had no energy left, I felt so drained and I didn’t feel like me anymore.
I desperately wanted a baby more than anything in the entire world but I wasn’t the person I used to be, I was completely miserable and fed up with my life being all about needles, fertility drugs, scans and miscarriage upon miscarriage.
I felt like I was old before my time and I wasn’t enjoying my life like a girl of my age should have been.
I didn’t feel like I was a newly wed either because the infertility was putting a lot of strain on both of us and we found that there wasn’t a time we had shared together where babies didn’t pop up in conversation at some point.
I didn’t want my marriage to suffer before it begun because I loved Francis more than anything and I knew that if I wasn’t blessed with a baby I would still be the luckiest women in the world to have him.
I felt like it was time to have a life and to show Francis how much I appreciated him for all the support he had given me.
I knew inside my heart it was time for a break before both of us went insane, it didn’t mean that I had given up on trying for a baby but I wanted to live my life for a bit without all the stress, anxiety and let down’s
I also decided that while I was taking a break from trying to conceive I would do something to make myself feel more like the old me.
I decided I had to lose some weight, which I had gained from all of the fertility drugs, and I followed a healthy eating plan and did exercise every day.
Within 6 weeks I had lost over a stone in weight and I felt great for it and I had more confidence than I had done in years.
I also felt like I had the PCOS under control because at one stage my weight crept up and up and I lost all my self esteem and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t lose the weight.
For once in my life I felt like I was a better person and I was happier than I had been for a long while and I began to feel more like a women again.
My periods even started to regulate and after 6 weeks I found out I was pregnant again naturally in October 2002 that was the biggest shock ever.
But sadly like before the beta was low and then began to drop, I was even more devastated than before because I managed to get past 5 weeks with this pregnancy.
I was heartbroken and the miscarriage was the worst I had ever experienced and I sadly lost my baby the same day my Aunt passed away with Cancer.
I had now lost 4 pregnancies since March 2001 and decided something was definitely not right, I knew I could get pregnant but I had to find the cause of the recurrent miscarriages so I saw my Doctor and she referred me to have some tests.
I put everything out of my mind and made sure I had a great Christmas and I ate and drunk what ever I wanted and didn’t even worry about putting the weight back on.
I saw 2003 as a new start and I intended on making sure it was a happier year than all of the rest.
Francis and myself had planned to rent a cottage in Wales or Scotland for New Year but at the last minute my Mum who lives in Cornwall said there was a holiday villa next door to her villa that was available for renting.
So we decided to spend the new year in Cornwall and it was great, we wasn’t very happy about the villa but we didn’t care because we wanted to forget about everything and that included 2002.
On New Years Eve we had a great time and we saw in 2003 on a beach in the pouring rain with hundreds of drunken strangers.
As the clock struck 12 I made a wish and asked God to bless me with a baby in the New Year.
Little did I know that when I arrived back home on the 4th of January my wish had already came true.
The ironic thing is my recurrent miscarriage test appointment had arrived before the New Year and I had an appointment for February 26th.
I celebrated my 24th birthday on January 10th and I begun to feel very oddly the week after and I thought I was coming down with a bug.
I felt very sick every day for a week and something made me do a pregnancy test on January 17th because my period hadn’t arrived and it was POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the very first time in my life I knew what it was like to see a nice thick dark blue line.
I texted Francis straight away to let him know and when he called he didn’t believe me, I just cried, as I was so happy.
My first beta number at 4 weeks 5 days was a huge 1053!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we were wondering if we were going to have twins.
After having a little bleeding scare I was very happy and relieved to see we had one healthy little baby at our 6 week 3 day scan.
I had another spotting scare but our scan at 7 weeks 6 days showed the baby was doing great.
I cannot even describe how I felt seeing our baby move for the first time at our 9 week 6 day scan, I was overwhelmed.
I was very anxious and worried during the early weeks of pregnancy as I feared this baby would be taken away from me but after my 12 week 3 day scan was perfect and my downs syndrome risk is very low I have felt more reassured.
The baby seems to be doing so well, all the organs look great so far and the heartbeat is strong, he/she was even sucking its thumb and waving on our last scan.
I feel very blessed and very thankful, I have been given a very special gift and I love my little miracle baby more than words can express.
I am 14 weeks pregnant tomorrow and every day that goes by I am thankful for.
I am hoping that the rest of my pregnancy goes by without any problems because I never dreamed I would get this far.
I intend to enjoy every minute of my pregnancy and I cant wait to feel my baby move inside of me.
I cant wait to become a Mummy, I have waited for this for so long and I intend to give this little baby so much love and one day I will be able to let him/her know just what I went through to have them and just how special they are to me and Daddy.
I hope this story can give hope to many women who are trying for a baby because it really can happen and when you least expect it.
I know at times you want to give up because you feel like you cant carry on but please don’t let go of your dream because miracles really do happen and my precious baby is proof of that.
Each and every one of you deserves to be blessed with a child and I have found that women who suffer with infertility have so much more love to give.
There are many women out there who conceive babies naturally and take everything for granted, if those women knew what it felt like to want something so bad and they cant have it they would feel very thankful.
Nobody really understands unless they have been through it or are going through it themselves.
That is why I am truly thankful to Deanne and Jimmy for setting up May-B-Baby because they are changing so many women’s lives.
If it wasn’t for all the support and friendships that have been made on May-B-Baby then so many women would feel alone during this roller coaster called infertility.
May-B-Baby has made a huge difference to my life because I have met the greatest bunch of women I know on there.
I have always got support whenever I need it and I feel proud that I can offer my support to those who need it.
Deanne and Jimmy you both deserve a medal for what you have done, I don’t think you realise what a big difference you have made to many girls lives and I think I can speak for everyone there.
I am so thankful to you both and I am very proud to know you and be part of May-B-Baby.
I hope and pray that the site goes from strength to strength and all of the girl’s become Mummies in the very near future, if anyone deserves to have babies its definitely my Buddies at May-B-Baby.
Lots of love and baby dust to you all.
May all of your dreams come true very soon.
Lynn Mariani xxx